In my teens, twenties, and thirties I desperately wanted to be a science fiction writer. At least I thought I did until I got married and got a job I liked. I still took creative writing classes and even attended Clarion West in 2002 when I was fifty-one. However, I never could stick with writing until I had a polished story. I’m just too lazy. Writing science fiction has always been more of a fantasy than a reality. I turn seventy-two next month, and I wonder if I’m too old to even dream that old dream. Why hasn’t it just faded away? (I wish it had — I could use the peace of mind.)
In recent years, I’ve often wondered if I could make myself write one story worthy of an editor’s acceptance? I have ideas, lots of ideas. Lots of finished but unpolished stories. I don’t know if I have any talent, but I do know I lack focus and perseverance to stick with writing a story until it’s worth submitting. But let’s imagine if I could muster up some discipline, what would I write about?
I no longer like science fiction the way I liked it when I was younger. For the most part, I don’t even like reading modern science fiction. And I’m not talking about plot ideas or prose styles. I always assumed I could never completely finish any of my stories because I didn’t like them enough.
It looks like I have two desires: one to write a story I love, and second to write a story an editor will buy. But that’s wrong too. Maybe I shouldn’t be thinking about editors and instead just try to please myself.
Putting it that way, I can see why I’ve always given up. I love very few stories. Writing something I loved will take a huge effort, maybe even an impossible one. Is this an ego problem I’m having, or am I just chicken about rejection? Probably all writers who got published just wrote stories until they found an audience and didn’t worry about who would like them. I should do that too, but I don’t know if I can. Knowing that advice is not enough to inspire me to keep working.
I’ve read many books advising would-be writers. They all say to not wait for inspiration, but just develop the discipline to write daily. This probably explains my failure. I don’t like writing fiction, it’s demanding work. The people I know that became successful fiction writers started writing stories early in life and always kept at it. They couldn’t stop writing. Evidently, wanting to do something is much different from doing something.
I’ve tried to forget this desire to write fiction for most of my life. It won’t go away. It just keeps gnawing at me. I knew one woman who had a science fiction story published and then never tried again. I wonder if that would free me too.
When I was young, I wanted to be a successful writer to make money, so I wouldn’t need to work a 9 to 5 job. But I’m retired now, and money and jobs aren’t an issue. At 72, I’d be writing just to write. I do write by blogging. Evidently, there’s something special about fiction that blogging doesn’t satisfy.
Is it an urge to create? To leave something behind? I’ve always been fascinated by those writers I find on ISFDB.org that have just a few stories listed. A fitting example is “The Short Life” by Francis Donovan which I wrote about last time. Donovan has one published story. Did he encapsulate everything he wanted to say about reality with that one fictional statement? That might come closest to explaining my urge to write a science fiction story. I want to say something that will be remembered.
Of course, having a science fiction story published isn’t like writing hieroglyphics on a pyramid. Still, I think I’ve dug up a clue about my life-long hankering to crank out a science fiction story. And it might also explain why I’d need to love it. Who wants to write a crappy epitaph for themselves?
I wish I could write something like “The Star Pit” by Samuel R. Delany. Or “An Appearance of Life” by Brian W. Aldiss. Or “Vintage Season” by C. L. Moore. Or even something short, like “The Light of Other Days” by Bob Shaw. Those would all be epitaph-worthy stories.
[Thank you for being my psychiatrist or priest and listening to my confessions.]
James Wallace Harris
Classics of Science Fiction 
Thanks. Another great piece. You really can write!
For some reason this made me think of Samuel R Delany’s “The Einstein Intersection”. In the edition I read (more than 50 years ago) he included some of his journal entries after the text. To me, that was a glimpse of how a writer works. I’m going to have to re-read that. I think I already have it on Audible.
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Thanks for another great essay. It all sounds very human and something we can all relate to, which is evidence of great writing. I don’t agonize over not publishing fiction, but I can remember writing bad SF and fantasy in junior high and school. Another person for your non-list of people with one story published would be A. A. Walde (Warren Bertil Lindgren), who published “Bircher”, a novelette, in If, July 1966.
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I (and I’m sure many readers) enjoy your confessions, thoughts, reflections, Jim!
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Two summers ago, I read Felicia Day’s “Embrace Your Weird: Face Your Fears and Unleash Creativity.” The book’s message can be summed up with the encouragement to play.
That’s my suggestion to you. Try to play with putting words to your story ideas. The writing can be stream of consciousness or one scene at a time. Doesn’t have to be a complete story–with the whole plot figured out–in the first draft. You could start with creating a “bubble map” where you brainstorm with one item connecting to other items. You could start small with flash fiction.
Also, try to lower your goals of writing a story you love, a story worthy of being published, a story worthy of being remembered. Of course, the suggestion doesn’t mean that’s easy to do. But those are heavy burdens that would slow or stop anyone from trying to be creative.
Fearing rejection is a big deal. I have that, too. I don’t submit stories for publication any more, but I fear rejection from readers. Still, I enjoy finishing each story. Sure, every day of writing doesn’t flow smoothly. There are rocky parts in the road. When I’m done crafting each story, I’m glad for taking the trip. I hope you find the same feeling.
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I feel really bad for you. To want to be a SF writer all your life, but find little joy or satisfaction in writing SF, has to hurt. Perhaps, paradoxically, knowing too much about SF and taking it far to seriously keeps you from enjoying writing SF.
In any event, you have a lasting legacy in the blogs you write, one that you should be proud of. No worry on that account.
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I think I’m no different than other people who had teenage fantasies of doing something big in life like becoming an astronaut, rock star, actress, football player, etc and have no talent or ability to make the fantasy come true. I think most people give them up and forget them. I think mine has lingered because writing is something a few people start late in life, while most other ambition fantasies need to happen in your twenties.
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Thinking about what you’ve said, I see your point, if we are talking about an unmodified version of that dream of 60 years ago. However, the many changes in the world of writing and publishing have have allowed people with that dream to enjoy a different version of it. As a regular listener to The Publishing Rodeo podcast, I have to say that for many people failing to achieve that dream may have been a bullet dodged. “Careers” as a published author, if ever achieved, are almost always ill paid and very short, most lasting only a few years. Not that those facts deter many people for trying anyway. And good luck to them!
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My adult-self recognized that writing wasn’t a practical career. Very few people make a living off just writing. And I definitely wouldn’t have enjoyed being someone like Philip K. Dick living hand-to-mouth cranking out several paperbacks a year.
My urge was something like, “gee that story is far out, I wish I could do something like that.”
I also see writers as having a conversation over the centuries. To me, reading is like being a party with some dazzling guests talking to each other while I sit in the background and listen. Wanting to write is merely wanting to take a turn and have something to say.
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That’s a cool approach to being an author.
On another topic, I’ve reached Hearing Secret Harmonies in Anthony Powell’s A Dance To the Music of Time. I’m treating it as one long novel. Reviewing it will take 5 Saturday blog posts.
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Looking forward to reading what you have to say about A DANCE TO THE MUSIC OF TIME. I finished it but haven’t written about the last two books.
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I think you should write and submit. Why not?
So I just made a story sale to Analog a few months ago. I’m nobody; I’m a forklift driver with neither degree nor fancy writing credentials. I don’t feel “worthy” in any sense and this story had been rejected a lot by other markets first. No-name markets that don’t even pay writers had rejected this story with form letters.
In my opinion, “talent” has nothing to do with it. Once a writer reaches a certain minimal competency, it seems that selling stories is mostly luck — the right story seen by the right editor at the right time.
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Congratulations! And thanks for the encouragement. I am working on a story again.
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I can relate to your struggle with writing and finding the motivation to finish a story. It’s never too late to chase your dreams, especially in the realm of science fiction. Age brings wisdom and unique perspectives that can enrich your storytelling. Focus on writing a story that truly captivates you, and the rest will follow. Keep pushing forward, and don’t let your passion fade away. You have the potential to create something truly amazing.
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